It's too much. I can't bear it. The punishment (for my sin) is too great for me and I can't stand it.
Have you ever felt that way? Like the consequences of your bad choices have resulted in more sadness and difficulty than you ever thought possible and the realization is unbearable?
I felt this way last night and remembered that those words were said by someone else in the Bible. It was Cain after he was punished for killing his brother, Abel. I guess the difference is that Cain wasn't sad that he had killed his brother, but only sad for the harsh reality of his punishment.
For me? I believe that I am truly repentant. I know that we are easily deceived and highly susceptible to sin, especially when in a weakened state, similar to how difficult it is to handle life when you are overly hungry or tired.
So, before I went to bed last night, I just told God how I felt and asked him to remove the pain and anxiety if it wasn't mine to bear in order that I might sleep more peacefully. It worked so well that I barely woke up when Roxie's hubby went to work and then when Roxie got up with Ry. It must have been a deep groggy sleep.
This morning while writing and praying, I wrote that the blood of Jesus would cover my son and transform his inner man. Yes, I bow, in worship, to honor The One who is able. The One who conquered Death! Even THIS (my personal murder), Yes. Even This! All praise to the Son. Yes!
In the midst of the depth of my despair, I saw the light. It is Jesus who gives us victory over the sting of sin's power. It is Jesus who bears the weight of the punishment. In the midst of our pain, we can stand in faith, fully assured. Death cannot hold my son! He will rise!
Yep. I will hold onto that vision and continue to pray that he will be restored. He will be strengthened in his inner man. He will be filled with Light to shine in his darkest corners, covered with Jesus and transformed! Yes, he will rise!